For Fans Of
Jarrod Alonge has been an Internet meme for quite some time now. He’s outlived the average weekly lifespan of most memes by about two whole years. Which is pretty impressive. In fact, it’s almost one of a kind. To have lived for so long as a meme and not been pushed back to the depths of the web for a few pre-teens to discover months later and fail to revive is nearly unheard of. The reason for this is one that took me quite some time to realise. It took me a long time to figure out and understand but now I know it: Jarod Alongi is an asexual meme-breeder. This means that he as a meme creates more content and more memes in of and by himself that fuel his life energy.
So long as Jared Alongeiy creates videos and content to upload onto the Internet, he’ll live forever. These new memes and videos revitalise him, they keep him energetic and youthful, and every single like and comment only makes him stronger.
He is a meme with a half-life of forever. He cannot die. He can only…grow. That’s dangerous. Too dangerous.
A meme was never designed to live for more than a week. That was their point! Memes were to simply exist for a few days, be funny and good ‘like’ fodder and then die a quick and painless death as the next one took its place, allowing the process to repeat itself. It was…ceremonial. A ritual. But Jered Alungey is ruining the art of memes. He is destroying everything sacred about memes and what we have come to love about them.
But then again… I’m not some loser who actually gives two ounces of bent cockywock about memes, like some neckbearded cumtrumpet mouth breather who sits at home, posting about how feminism is “killing men”, whilst he lets Dorito dust settle into his pores and chugs Mountain dew Lite ‘cause he’s on a “diet”.
Now that is a meme!
But anyway, let’s take a look at the new release from Jarrod Alonge/Amidst The Grave’s Demon, the ‘Space Zombies EP‘, shall we?
First and foremost, Jeered At Longing hits the nail on the head with the comedy aspect of this EP. No, for real, there are some classic lil’ bits here and there that make these songs absolute gold mines of laughter for the whole family*. From the outrageously “China” chorus on the scarily accurate Architects parody, ‘These Borders Don’t Trump’, to the absolute shit-storm directed at Scientology on ‘Write The Science‘, there’s a lot of great laughs to be had throughout and I don’t want to ruin any of them here for you.
Which sort of makes it hard for me to talk about the main aspect of the EP; its comedic value. You are just gonna have to trust me when I tell you that it’s funny. Very funny. But I mean, why wouldn’t it be? This is an EP from the same guy who wrote an entire song about touching boobs in the style of a Mayday Parade song and did it better than Mayday Parade ever did. But here’s the other thing about the ‘Space Zombies EP‘. Not only is it funny, it’s also a really fucking solid release!
J-Rod All G Homie has once again created parodies that are almost better than the SHIT HE IS PARODYING. Like, I love The Devil Wears Prada as much as the next kid who had a scene fringe in 2008, but ‘Uranus Infection’ takes a massive, drawn out, clear yet liquidy shit over the ‘Space’ EP TDWP put out last year. Even with its hilarious spoken word section (if one could call it that) in the middle, the song has great flow and delivery, utilising a tried and tested formula in the best way possible. And in case you weren’t aware, the whole EP’s title, ‘Space Zombies‘ is taken from both of TDWP’s EPs : 2010’s ‘Zombie‘ and 2015’s ‘Space‘. Just a bit of background for you there. I do have some resemblance of a writer in me.
‘These Borders Don’t Trump’ is so eerily close to the sound Architects achieve that some parts, taken out of context, would be almost perfectly mistaken for the U.K. lads themselves. From the hollow, screeching guitar tones to the spacey, ambient bridge, this track is more Architects then Ted Mosby. Speaking of great bridges, the bridge on ‘Rewind to 2007’ is actually kind of… emotional. I mean, if it weren’t talking about making someone’s top eight on Myspace then it would be downright heartbrea- wait a minute! At that point in time, making someone’s top eight was literally a life or death situation! This shit would break up friendships and actual relationships. If I wasn’t in my girls top eight, you can bet your arse I wasn’t gonna be RAWRing at her anytime soon. So in hindsight, be ready for that bridge when it kicks in cause you’ll need to bring the tissues and a Three Days Grace playlist.
Also, I won’t say much to avoid spoilers, but I almost forgot that ‘The Swimmer (Acoustic)’ was a parody song until its terrifying and nightmarish ending came hurtling towards me from the dark, like the finale of a Ron Jeremy video.
Now, what really fucks me up here is that J-Road Alfred Geremy the Third (and I’m speaking to you directly here, Jarrod) can write great songs. Even if there’s a bukkake load of collaboration between you and other musician, producers and whatnot, the stuff you’re putting out is anything but. If you sat down and worked on a proper record that didn’t have the artistic merit of a Buzzfeed article about what AR-15 assault rifles Disney Princess’s would resemble, and instead, had great, emotive and powerful songs, who knows what you could do?
Maybe tour the whole world? Maybe play some festivals outside of America and not in a shake onesie? Maybe save a thirteen-year-old Tumblr blogger’s life? Maybe even have an actual career!? The possibilities are endless Jerdopop Al Gore Orgy. I believe in you. We believe in you.
You can choose to ignore me. That’s fine. But just know, there are people out there waiting for the day they see your band under lights on an Absolute Punk forum about a sexting scandal. It can happen sooner than you think. But until that day, all I can say is:
Well done, Jacking Off Your Rod Felt So Good All Long-ey. Well done, indeed.
*Please do not show your whole family. They probably won’t get the jokes and you will look like a fucking weirdo sitting there chuckling softly as they smile politely and judge the ever living shit out of you.
Oh no, don’t you even think about skipping to this part just so you can skim read it. Now, get back up there and read the review properly, ya scrub.
1. Uranus Infection (The Devil Wears Prada parody)
2. Rewind To 2007 (A Day To Remember parody)
3. These Borders Don’t Trump (Architects parody)
4. Write The Science (For Today parody)
5. The Swimmer (Acoustic)