Blood on the Dance Floor – Bitchcraft


Album

Bitchcraft

Label

Dark Fantasy Records

Year

2014

Genre

For Fans Of

Breathe Carolina - Terrible Music - Excrement

Summary

If you play these songs backwards, you’ll hear messages from the devil, worse yet, if you play them forward, you’ll hear the actual songs.

Rating

0 / 100

There are some seriously bad things going on in the world right now. We’ve got the crisis in Iraq, arguments over the national budget, gay rights issues…and, the Centrelink website. These are all areas that cause a lot of debate and strife throughout our lives. Now we can add one more to the list: Blood on The Dance Floor’s new album, ‘Bitchcraft’.

Not only is Blood on The Dance Floor’s attempt at facial-hair a crime against nature (look at the artwork for reference), but so is the record itself. There are so many things wrong with this album that it’s not funny; it’s appalling. It’s almost scary when you realise the duo sat down and said: “This is a good idea, we should do this.”

The first thing that you’ll notice about the duo’s latest effort is just how bad the song writing is here. Hell, it’s not even song writing; it’s more like Dahvie Vanity and Jayy Von Monroe had a tonne of sloppy-burritos and shat onto a staff of music and said, “That’ll do.”

Everything from the vocals to the techno/EDM/Dubstep/Whatever synth stuff is all done sloppily. The different sections and parts don’t really work together or boost each other up. In acts such as Breathe Carolina or ISSUES, the sounds all work with one another, whether in harmony or in contrast. On ‘Bitchcraft’ however, any form of music other than randomised bass drops and synth is nowhere to be found. From ‘Sorcery‘ to closer ‘Obliviate‘, it’s simply forgettable. 

In terms of vocals, don’t expect it to get any better. Monroe attempts some form of deep range, trying to gain resonance yet he falls short in every single possible way. His style is so flat and monotone to the point where you’d much rather attend a Pokémon Tournament for forty-year-old balding fat-guys than have to listen to it for one more second.

Vanity, on the other hand, has some differentiation yet you’d rather he just shut the fuck up all together. No amount of auto tune can save or correct this underwhelming delivery. 

However, the lyrics are the biggest negative. In order to save you some time (and some innocence) we’ll only focus on what is easily the most gag-worthy song on the album: ‘Call Me Master’.

The main hook of the song contains possibly the most perverted and brow-raising lines you’ve heard.

You are my slave/ My little fucking disaster/ I am your god/ Call me your master

These lyrics are so fake and ludicrous that you can smell the bullshit from the jewel-case. One can only assume Vanity is in some lucid dreamscape world where he is actually getting “some” unlike the real world. Seriously, the guy looks like a character out of Labyrinth with David Bowie; the odds are that he’s getting as much intercourse as the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Another prime example of just how poor the writing is on ‘Bitchcraft’ can be found below. Read at your own risk.

Take it off girl strip it with no shame/ I’m a thirsty animal that cannot be tamed/ Latex, chains and whips make me hard and excite me/ Come on, throw your hands up and pretend you wanna fight me.

This section is done as some form of rap/spoken word shit that compounds matters. Considering previous alleged incidents, this may be the worst PR decision of his career.

Yet it’s with honourable mention that they try and teach us all times-tables on ‘3×3‘. Okay not really; the song’s about them being evil or some shit, and their power is as big as three times three. Guess it was too hard to just say nine. 

Now, Blood on The Dance Floor have, for the most part, been regarded as a band that apparently helps a lot of people through difficult times…we’re still trying to work out how; we’ll get back to you on that.

Conclusion

Listening to ‘Bitchcraft’ is kind of like getting food poisoning. It’s going to make you gag, sweat and feel uneasy, all while making you excrete your last meal in an exceedingly violent fashion. With leather, spandex and enough hair dye to kill a small elephant, you’ll soon realise that this is why we can’t have nice things.

Tracklisting

1. Sorcery
2. Bitchcraft
3. 3×3 (featuring Shawn Brandon)
4. Pure Fucking Evil (featuring William Control)
5. Call Me Master
6. Blaq Magik (featuring Shawn Brandon)
7. Poison Apple (featuring Jeffree Star)
8. Possession
9. Freaks Do It Better (featuring Kerry Louise)
10. Obliviate

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