Nudity, Illicit Chewing Gum & The Hoff: Day One Of EDM Party Cruise 'It's The Ship'

TheMusic's Melbourne editor Bryget Chrisfield hits the high seas of Singapore on the world's "second largest EDM festival cruise" with special guest captain David Hasselhoff. Yes, really.

A smiling representative from The Livescape Group, holding up a sign reading "It's The Ship! Foreign Media", welcomes us to Singapore airport. We're temporarily delayed when one of the Thai Playboy Bunnies doesn't make it through customs (back to Thailand she goes) and the plus-one of a 'social influencer' is also MIA. 

In our minibus en route to the hotel, a Malaysian native observes, "Singapore is like Malaysia but in HD," while gazing out the window. A passenger who's chewing gum suddenly panics after we discuss how everything seems to be illegal in Singapore. (Apparently only chewing gum "of therapeutic value" is permitted.) We also quickly learn humidity hair is the opposite of hot. 

We've been trying to ignore the weather forecast that signals inclement conditions, but it's raining when we board the bus (which we share with the immaculately groomed Thai Playboy Bunnies) down to the port. Some of said Bunnies powder their noses and check their already-perfect makeup in compact mirrors in transit.

Then we experience our first Captain Hoff sighting.

Queuing to get through customs, we wonder whether smuggling chewing gum in hand luggage is risky. Phew, we get through. Once on board, we're ushered to a massive buffet area for lunch and this scribe congratulates herself on opting for a one-piece bathing costume this year. Hand sanitiser is pumped into hands upon entry.

We jump into an elevator in search of the Media Centre and notice there's a piece of carpet to remind passengers what day it is: Friday. Thanks for that! Then we experience our first Captain Hoff sighting. As the elevators doors open, he's standing in wait! "Wow!" he says (hopefully about my new dress), but old mate has serious charisma (and is so incredibly TALL). We're starstruck and speechless. 

How about The Sound Of Music-themed room? Colossal chandelier, three floors of dining tables and a statue of Maria and Captain Von Trapp embracing in an area that's further decorated with costumes in cabinets "based on" this "story of challenge". 

So you can buy alcohol (including Grey Goose!) by the bottle. Revellers are seen swigging straight from the bottle even before It's The Ship! has sailed and a coupla lads have their wicked way with a Tyrannosaurus Rex on the 'dancefloor'. We wander off for a bit and then, upon returning (at 3.20pm) our dinosaur fanciers are dancing, completely naked, on podiums until security intervene. This is as loose as it gets. There's also loads of twerking girls in bikinis and fitness fanatics doing squats with people on their backs. We wonder whether those who appear to be off their heads have considered the 'off with your head' Mandatory Death Penalty for those caught with controlled substances under Singapore law. 

Cigarette girls wander around spruiking their wares. There are loads of matching t-shirt brigades (including "Ray & Mick's Bucks" featuring a design of Beavis And Butthead-like caricatures throwing up). 

And then just when everyone's getting nice and loose there's a Safety Drill and we must suddenly get our shit together and find designated assembly points, which is kinda chaotic but I guess accounts for everyone on board before we set sail. Someone demonstrates how to put on a life jacket and then there's a welcome announcement from Captain Hoff over the PA. "It's The Ship!"

Word has it one of the naked guys from earlier has now been locked in his cabin and out of harm's way. 

We eagerly anticipate the Knight Rider remix he tells us he's been working on with Knife Party.

There's a media briefing and then we have less than an hour to prepare for a face-to-face with The Hoff! All media outlets are grouped together for a panel-style interview. The Hoff walks in singing Elvis Presley's Suspicious Minds. Life will imitate art at 1pm on Sunday when The Hoff hits the decks (he plays an amusement park DJ in the recently released Call Of Duty). We eagerly anticipate the Knight Rider remix he tells us he's been working on with Knife Party. The Hoff is undeniably charming, praising us for our questions and posing for a few selfies. Before he's escorted out, The Hoff tells us he now chooses to use the staff lifts since previous experiences saw passengers screaming when the lift doors opened to reveal The Hoff in wait (thank GOD we kept our cool earlier).

Later, at Main Stage, Captain Hoff hollers, "The party officially starts here... one, two, three - to infinity and beyond! I love Singapoooooore!" Japanese-born, California-raised DJ Kaku follows, playing a banging, schizophrenic set featuring tracks including Let Me Clear My Throat and The Weeknd's Can't Feel My Face.

Number of shipmates witnessed chundering in the hallway? One. 

Dada Life follow and are wonderfully weird. The Swedish DJ duo play tracks that sound like they should feature in The Goodies then mix in some cheese: Aaron Smith's Dancin. They crouch up on their console and throw out what appears to be money — makin' it rain! Then they throw some banana and champagne inflatables into the pools (yep, there are people dancing in the pools). Then in comes Boogie's Oh My. And JT's SexyBack is ALWAYS a welcome inclusion. 

Pickup line of the day: "Miss, are you here 1%? Are you married?" Wha'?

As Playboy Bunnies splash about wearing white bikinis in a cordoned-off section that includes a hot tub, a coupla blokes in mankinis try to infiltrate. The girls look horrified and try to alert security but then eventually welcome the industrious pair in for some Kodak moments (we meet these dudes later, they're actually from Melbourne). We are told that although there is no such thing as a bogan in Singapore, in Malaysia they are called rempits. 

Looking down from a balcony bar, we spy the remaining naked dude from earlier (the one with the 'tache) being escorted away by security while verbally objecting - what are the chances? Man, we salute you! That's staying power verging on 12 hours and we hence crown you King Of It's The Ship!

Looks like there's only one bloke manning the decks come Knife Party o'clock. They previously cancelled their interviews. What's happened? One member of Knife Party does not a party make. Shall look into what's going down there tomorrow. 

We cop some interesting combos such as Maroon 5's Moves Like Jagger into the theme from Ghostbusters ("Who ya gonna call?") and Swedish House Mafia's Don't You Worry Child (oh, we're worried alright!) into Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars - "Don't believe me just watch!" Run To Paradise by The Choirboys? WhaddayaMEAN!? 

We clocked Joel Fletcher in the hotel lobby this morning and, damn! Does he have one helluva entourage!? He's DJing at Hot Tub Time Machine stage as we wander/stagger past on our way back to cabins, but sadly not many are in attendance. A good, old fashioned case of peaking too early for It's The Shipmates, we suspect.

read about day two: Liquid Dinner, A Penang Street Party & Towel Monkeys

read about day three: The World's Most Dangerous Pool & A Bizarre Proposal