Dr. Colossus: Doom & Stoner Rock Meets The Simpsons On 'The Dank'

Melbourne's Dr. Colossus, as their name should suggest, have a very real, very strong love for The Simpsons. They also have a raging hard-on for making lyrical references to The Simpsons in their music - this month's new LP 'The Dank' included. However, this Victorian trio - made up of Dr. Jon (guitar/vocals/lyrics), Dr. Love (bass/vocals) and Dr. Johnston (drums) - also worship at the altar of another distinct temple, and that is one of fuzzy, distorted, bass-heavy doom/stoner rock. Which makes these dudes the "worlds finest Springfieldian doom band", and the probably the only one too. (Look, I'll take anything to make me forget about Okilly Dokilly's awful 2016 debut).  

Sure, this band's latest riff-heavy, referential-laden trip through Springfield doesn't reach the dizzying heights that Elder and Adrift For Days set for the genre on their respective records earlier this year, but 'The Dank' is still a solid, if gimmicky, reverb-driven release packed full of rumbling grooves, huge amounts of distorted bass, and enough riffage to level the town-separating wall from A Tale Of Two Springfields. In saying all of this, there are a ton of references to be picked apart across this record's eight songs, so I'm here to give you the 411 on the many nods towards the animated show in a listicle piece thinly veiled as an album review.

1. 'Thrillo' - "This is great...and all I've done is enter my name: "Thrillhouse!"

Setting up the wider album's tone, structure, and pacing is the slow, stomping throb of opener 'Thrillo', derived from the nickname that Millhouse enters into Bonestorm in Season 7 Episode 11 of The Simpsons - Marge Be Not Proud. However, instead of just sticking to that particular episode and the sadly forever fictional violent beat-'em-up that is Bonestorm, Dr. Colossus lyrically cover a host of other "woe is me" Millhouse moments from the rest of the series over the course of five and half minutes. Whether it's referencing the boy's failed role as Radioactive Man's sidekick, Fall Out Boy, his father's divorce, his father's race car bed, or to the irritating scamp's borderline harassment crush over Lisa ("My best friends sis, wanna kiss her sexy lips"); this trio cram in plenty of nods to who is arguably one of the most annoying and pathetic characters of the entire goddamn show: Millhouse Van Fuckin' Houten.

A solid opening track that only further reinforces how much I loathe Millhouse.

2. 'Future Bart' - "Ouch, watch the ponytail".

Proving that good, fun times can indeed be had beyond the revered seventh season, this second track and its swirling circular guitar refrains references the pow-wow Native American visions of 'Bart To Future' (also famous for predicting a Trump presidency); showing the vertical decline Bart's life will take in the future due to his actions in the now. I mean, if I was a fat, skilless and unemployed slob who's sister was the goddamn president of the United States and I lived in a shithole with someone as insufferably innocent as Ralph Wiggum, I'd have done myself in well before that point, personally. But this isn't Bojack Horseman or Rick And Morty, and The Simpsons needed that not-too-early, not-too-late TV slot on Australian airwaves so parents around the country had something to entertain their kids with so they could catch a break (or to scold them harshly over for even daring to cast their eyes on the yellow family - tick whichever box applied to your childhood), so suicide is off the table. Well, unless we're talking about the recurring thematic ark of good ol' Gil Gunderson, that is.

Anyway, Dr. Colossus seem to know all of this (and maybe experienced such parent substituting methods themselves when they were much younger) and have matched such a moment of downtrodden personal reflection with a mixture of urgent drumming and lethargic rhythms, overbearing bass lines, churning riffs and swelling distortion, while classic metal vocals peak out across the dirge-ridden soundscape; a sonic staple that defines not just the track, but the entire LP throughout. Oh, and the track features the seminal line of "I wash myself with a rag on a stick". Need I say more?

3. 'It's Still Good' - "If a cow ever got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about."

Yes, by the time this record's third, shorter song (rock n') rolls around, 'The Dank' is indeed still good. With the track's overly repetitive lyrics, which is just straight up lifting lines from Dan Castellaneta's script regarding the airborne dead pig that Homer chases across town in "Lisa The Vegetarian", going any longer than the three-minute mark would have been overdone for this kind of sound. But much like some of The Simpsons best gags, this is kept short and to the point for maximum effect. The song also sees Dr. Jon and Dr. Love providing back and forth vocal parts over a punishing stoner groove and delivering what will be the closest thing that this band will probably ever get to having a "pop" chorus and any actual sense of differing dynamics.

4. 'Dr. Colossus' - "All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain". "But all my stuff is there!"

How do you make a heavy, slow-moving, distorted doom/stoner style sound even more sluggish and dark all the while talking about your band's own namesake in the process? Well, shit son, this is how! Telling the story of Springfield's scorned, blue-skinned mad scientist over a score soaked in layers of tone-breaking distortion, menacingly sludgy riffage, grinding snail-pace rhythms, and a mixture of low roars and clean vocals, Dr. Colossus channel the slow-burning rage of Dr. Hector von Colossus, who sadly, barely gets any real focus in the show other than being mere backdrop, crowd dressing. Oi Matt Groening, where's my fucking Dr. Colossus dedicated episode?

5. 'Excellent' - "Release the hounds".

One of the most quotable lines Mr. Burns has other than the now meme-tier "yes" is, of course, his sinister, finger-tapping catchphrase, which is dosed up here with crunchy grooves, evil riffs, and some callbacks to the romantic interests of Mr. Burns' #2 - Weylon "you're quite good at turning me on" Smithers. By this point in the record, Dr. Colossus have pretty much excavated all that they can from their stoner/doom rock genre in terms of instrumentation, but the well of Simpsons references won't be running dry for these guys for a very long time yet. Meaning that Dr. Colossus will have plenty of lyrical material to work with on their most likely eerily similar sounding compositions of the future. Unless they get some out there futuristic visions a la "Lisa's Wedding" or "Bart To The Future".

6. 'Holy Driver' - "Sponge!?"

Okay, look, if you don't get the reference here, then there's just no fucking hope for your doomed soul. The massive Black Sabbath influence that rides over Dr. Colossus's sound, if it wasn't painfully obvious enough as it is, gets a wonderful look-in with this 'Holy Diver' homage merging with Otto Man's various antics; bubbling bong liquid, 15 times-bus crasher, and singing in a spot-on impersonation of the residential stoner also included. I mean, musically throwing it back to one of heavy metal's most regarded figures (Ronnie James Dio), creating a fitting riffy ode to a truly classic metal song, all the while talking about the worst bus driver in animated T.V. history? You could do a hell of a lot worse and honestly, this would be my favourite pick from 'The Dank' as a whole. Otto, as a character, may love Black Sabbath more than most other things in his simple life, but I think there'd be more than enough room in his loveable stoner heart for some Dr. Colossus tunes.

7. 'Lemonade' - "Don't you get it Springfield? It's over, you lose. Now, if you'll excuse me, all this talk has made me hungry."

What's a record about Springfield without talking about their much-hated neighbour Shelbyville, the importance of lemons, the incest-disagreeing town history of founder Jebediah Springfield, Bart's spray can, and the grand lemon tree that created far more trouble than it was worth? Well, it'd be a shorter and less encompassing referential record, that's what it would be. Sure, the only people who like Shelbyville are the actual residents of that rival town itself (I call that the "Sydney Syndrome"), but at least this more melodic-inclined track won't have you distastefully making that sour face while listening to it. And the "Eat my shorts" vocal refrain is easily one of the silliest highlights of this entire goddamn record.

8. 'Dr. Tongue' - "Aw geez, I wasn't gonna kill ya, I was just gonna cut ya".

The doomy yet romantically bittersweet hit and run of 'Dr. Tongue' (which sounds like the title of the best or worst female cunnilingus porno you could ever see) contains the immortally stupid Jimbo Jones pick-up line, "I don't believe it but now my pants are chaffing me". Until that moment, this track was a bit of a deep cut in terms of its references for me, but with some digging, you'll see that it mainly deals with Bart Simpson's love loss over Laura Powers in season 4's "New Kid on the Block" and the track actually carries some genuine emotion within it. Well, about as much emotion as you could get from a Simpsons-themed doom/stoner band but still, Dr. Colossus layer some nice little touches over this closing song. After all, "you can't argue with the little things, it's the little things that make up life", as one insane yet hilariously charming super villain once put it.

Dr. Colossus's 'The Dank' is out now, pick it up over here my neighborino's.