The Beards Meet The Greatest Politician In The World

September 29th 2012 – Coloundra, Queensland
By Nathaniel Beard

We kicked off our Australian tour over the weekend with a couple of shows at the Caloundra Music Festival. The problem with music festivals is that there is far too much emphasis placed upon music and not nearly enough emphasis placed upon beards. Don't get me wrong, I love listening to music – just so long as it's music about beards.

Our first set was on the Surf Stage on Saturday. It consisted of nothing but songs about beards and was therefore a highlight for me.

Afterwards we wandered the festival and met some of the many bearded locals and festival-goers. Later we had some dinner at an Italian restaurant, the owner of which had no beard, so we refused to pay. After eating, we were walking back to our accommodation and were fortunate enough to meet a bearded local named Bob Abbot who turned out to be the former Mayor of the Sunshine Coast!

The Beards with the former Sunshine Coast Mayor, Bob Abbot.

Bob had retired from the position after thirty years of service. His schedule now clear, he was free to give us a lift back to our hotel. Meeting Bob and his beard was inspiring to say the least. Not only had he kept a beard for more than forty years – which in itself speaks volumes about this great man's courage and determination – but with that beard he was able to enter and remain in Australian politics for three decades. This is an impressive accomplishment. Australian society displays many signs of beard intolerance, but never is it more potent than in realm of politics. There is currently not even one single bearded minister in federal politics. Indeed, when Independent MP Rob Oakeshott had the audacity to debut a beard in parliament last year, he was openly ridiculed by Prime Minister Julia Gillard. In an act of sheer cowardice, Mr. Oakeshott shaved it off shortly afterwards.

Getting that ride home with Bob really got me thinking: I had been wrong about something. I had always thought that our male politicians shaved off their beards to win over a constituency that was ultimately not ready to elect a bearded leader; I had thought people were afraid of beards, and our politicians were shaving in reaction to this public phobia; but the Sunshine Coast had elected Bob Abbot. People in Australia are ready for a bearded leader – they've been ready for years now. It's not the voters who are afraid of beards, it's our two major political parties: A homogeneous pack of spineless schemers who vote as one beard-hating block to prevent anybody with a decent beard from even running for office.

Hiding behind this assumed-truth that the masses do not like beards, the members of the Australian Labor Party and the Coalition spin beard hate and undermine a growing underclass of beard-wearers and beard-enthusiasts across the nation. Australia needs a leader with real convictions, who is able to create real change, who is able  to have a real beard. Australia needs more bearded politicians, and Australia needs Bob Abbot as its next Prime Minister.

Having said that, it should be noted that I do not know anything about Bob Abbot's political views – but he's got such a great beard, I'm sure they're fine.

The next day we played another set on the Surf Stage where I presented Bob with an award for Best Overall Beard, which he received in front of a huge crowd that clearly had a lot of love and respect for this truly great bearded man. With many more Queensland dates ahead, I'm looking forward to meeting some more bearded mayors and to seeing if the rest of this state is as beard-appreciating as we found Caloundra to be.

Beards.